Take it Easy

we tell ourselves to stay calm,
to take it easy
to take a deep breath.
we tell ourselves to
pay the bills and there’s nothing to stress.
we tell ourselves to
get some food, and
lick the last crumbs off our plates.

we tell ourselves to be critical,
to pay little and believe less.

be calm, take it easy, take a deep breath.

yet the more critical my payoff
at the end of the month gets
the more increases the pace
of my deep breaths and
I spit out the calm
cough from exhaustion.

be calm, take it easy, take a deep breath.

Going home to a cage with a bed
and a cable leading to the mess beyond
my head,

surrounded with a face in the mirror
stared at by a face on an inforamtion flooded,
racing, white slate

be calm, take it easy, take a deep breath.

In the back of my brain
scarred people tell me
don’t try…
All you need to know
is written in the books
is written on the gravestones,
write everything
outside yourself off,

drown and drink and smoke and shrink
the little that is left
to death

but then I thought
scarred people see it all
yet know less.

be calm, take it easy, take a deep breath

And I take a deep breath
but my lungs ache
I stay calm yet outside my door
the earth trembles, I take it easy
but there’s a heavy tangled mess
bending my back

yes, that’s what it is
telling myself all that crap
and I see it all but know so much less
than any other day
I might get across.

I eat it all up
this calm, easy, steadily breathing

And continue to fiddle with
the blade stuck in my breast
I give way to the foul air in my chest
and touch the oily load
that is colouring all that is left

with a shade beyond words
an idea too contradicting
to concider

all is well
all is easy
all is calm
just don’t try
take a deep breath.

Cologne, December 2011